Harry Potter and the Plotlessness of Being ZIM!!!
by Xander
Summary: The Story is finally finished! More reviews please! More of a Crossover with Invader ZIM, but also stands alone. Very funny and very weird! Guaranteed! Co-Written by the one known as "The Demented Writer."
1. The Beginning...where these stories alwa...

Harry sat at a table in the Gryffindor house, working on a potion for Potions class. (Author's note: Duh!) Harry poured an orange colored liquid into a beaker with a blue liquid inside. The combination immediately began to boil, and then promptly exploded.   
  
"Bugger!" exclaimed Harry as he stood up. He wiped the white powdery dust from the explosion and looked at the large hole in the table where his potions homework WAS. "Heh...maybe no one will notice."   
  
Ron and Hermione walked into the Common room and walked over to the table where Harry was working.   
  
"Hey Harry. How's the Potions homework going?" asked Hermione.   
  
"Great. I think I've discovered a new explosive," replied Harry.   
  
"Heh...everyone does that sooner or later. My dad has forbidden Fred and George to do Potions of any kind in the house due to the number of times he's had to replace the roof!" replied Ron.   
  
"That makes my little table explosion look downright petty," replied Harry.   
  
"Hey, Touch of Newt is coming to play at Hogwarts this weekend! You two want to go?" asked Hermione.   
  
"Hmm...lemme think about it. Of course!" replied Ron, getting excited.   
  
"Harry?" asked Hermione.   
  
"Sure, I'm in. I've never heard of them before, though."   
  
"Never...Well, this will have to be rectified rather quickly. I'll loan you my C.D," replied Ron.   
  
"They have four major singles out as of now," added Hermione, going pointlessly into detail about the group's history. "'Don't Lick the Governor's Nosehairs'; 'I Like Goldfish'; 'Chalupas Ahoy'; and 'I Told You Not to Pull the Trigger.'"   
  
"Sounds delightful," said Harry, not sure, judging by the titles of the four singles, whether he'd really like Touch of Newt or not. 


	2. The Golden Toothpick of Thebes and the a...

He didn't really have much time to think about it, however; he was taken by surprise when Ron's eyes, finally, exploded.   
  
"AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!" yelped Ron. "I TOLD YOU! I was telling you all this time, I said, 'I think my eyes are going to explode,' but no, you just told me I was imagining things. But look at me! LOOK AT ME!!!!"   
  
Hermione screamed and led Ron out of the common room in search of medical assistance. Harry, very shaken, went to follow them out of the common room. As soon as he stepped into the hallway, however, a masked figure in black ambushed him and threw him into the nearest empty classroom.   
  
"Well, Potter," the masked figure said, advancing on him, "where's the legendary Golden Toothpick of Thebes? Rumor has it that it is in your possession."   
  
"You mean, this?" asked Harry, pulling the Golden Toothpick of Thebes out of his pocket. "I was using it to clean ear wax out of my ears."   
  
Harry handed it to the robed stranger. The stranger hesitantly accepted it and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.   
  
Harry shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the classroom. GIR walked by saying something about looking for tacos. Harry went to search for Ron when he noticed that all the students were hypnotized.   
  
Harry walked over to one student, who was carving a name into the wall.   
  
"Why are you doing that?" asked Harry.   
  
"It is as Pustulio wishes," said the student flatly.   
  
As he raced down a few floors to the hospital wing, he heard, once again, the strange electronic voice he'd heard just moments ago....   
  
"WAHOO! I get to play with the Golden Toothpick of Thebes!" The voice belonged to the Sir unit, GIR. It sounded only a few classrooms away. Harry allowed himself a few seconds to wonder how GIR got a hold of the Golden Toothpick of Thebes, but then immediately continued on his way to the hospital wing, where he found Ron moaning on an operation table.   
  
"Ron! How's your eyes?" said Harry hurriedly.   
  
"My eyes.... oh my eyes...." Ron didn't give any real answer. A clean white bandage was wrapped around his forehead, blocking his sockets from view. Hermione stood by the table, whimpering for lack of anything else to do.   
  
Again, Harry heard the digital voice. "I GET TO PLAY WITH THE TOOTHPICK!!!" Electronic laughter rang out, and got closer.   
  
"I thought you were looking for tacos," said Harry into the hallway.   
  
GIR came into view. "I was..... BUT NOW I GOT A TOOTHPICK!!!" Maniacal laughter followed this statement, and GIR continued running down the hallway.   
  
"The Golden Toothpick of Thebes," muttered Ron painfully from the table. "It must have something to do with this...."   
  
Harry sensed a connected between the robot that had just passed by (GIR) and the hypnotic syndrome that was lingering over the pupils of Hogwarts.   
  
"Pustulio, huh?" said Harry to himself, a little freaked out. He hurried down the staircase, looking desperately for Hermione and Ron. 


	3. Respect the Fist!!!

Zim burst into the hospital wing, exclaiming "I will rule you all with an iron fist!"   
  
Zim jumped up on the bed, shaking his fist at Ron and Harry. "You! Respect the fist!"   
  
Harry noted the abnormally large zit on the side of Zim's head, and the fact that it had a face drawn on it, along with wearing a little hat and a suit and jacket. "Who's the little guy that's attached to your head?" asked Harry.   
  
"Ah...yes. Won't you say hello to Pustulio?" asked Zim.   
  
Harry stared into Pustulio's eyes and was immediately hypnotised. "Pustulio...command me," said Harry.   
  
"What's with the green guy?" said Hermione.   
  
"I told you, the Golden Toothpick of Thebes..... It has something to do with this, I just know it....." Ron broke off in a moan. "Eyes.....throbbing madly.....pain....sickly...."   
  
"Pustulio commands you to obey the fist!" Zim shouted over Ron's shaky whimpers, balling his hands into fists. "It is as Pustulio wishes that you ---"   
  
"DON'T LISTEN!!!!" shouted a kid in a trench coat and glasses, barging in on the situation. "Don't do it! He's an alien, I'll prove it, I will!! He's trying to rule us all!"   
  
"DIB! SILENCE!" shrieked Zim. Hermione just watched the scene, aghast, and Ron certainly wished he could have surveyed what was going on, but his eyes had ceased to exist.   
  
"Whatever happened to the days when we were carefree and all we had to worry about was an upcoming concert by Touch of Newt!?" Hermione whined.   
  
"SILENCE! THE FIST COMMANDS YOU!!!"   
  
"Never, Zim!" Dib shouted in reply.   
  
Harry, in a daze, staring at the bulbous zit on Zim's face, said in a monotone, "I love you, Pustulio.... By the way, Zim, your Sir unit went on a rampage through this school, and if I were you, I'd find him."   
  
Zim turned and ran out the door of the hospital wing, laughing like a maniac, in pursuit of GIR. Dib glanced at his watch and announced,   
  
"Mysterious Mysteries is on in an hour...but I must stop Zim..." He too left the hospital wing in search of Zim. Hermione slapped Harry back to his senses.   
  
"Thanks," Harry said in the manner of someone waking from anesthesia.   
  
Hermione said, after a few moments, "What about the Golden Toothpick of Thebes, Ron? Isn't Thebes an ancient Egyptain city?"   
  
"Yes, I think I remember hearing about it somewhere," said Harry.   
  
Meanwhile, Professor McGonnigal waltzed into the hospital wing and over to Harry's bed. She pulled out her wand, uttered a few magical words that I'm too lazy to make up and restored Ron with a new pair of eyes, with an explosion free guaruntee no less.   
  
Ron, amazed he could see again looked in the mirror. "Hey! I had green eyes!"   
  
"Oh bugger off you ungrateful twat!" replied Professor McGonnigal.   
  
"Com'n Ron! We have to find out about the golden toothpick of Thebes," said Hermione. Ron bounded out of bed and followed Harry and Hermione to the library. 


	4. Pilot Fruit Fly and a History Lesson...K...

They passed a window, stopping to watch Zim and GIR get into the Voot Cruiser.   
  
"GIR, once we get back to the lab, I want to run some tests on your artificial intelligence chip. It seems to be...bad," said Zim as he got into the Voot Cruiser, following GIR. They spotted Dib running towards the Voot Cruiser, snapping picture after picture with his camera.   
  
Harry and Co. continued to the library.   
  
Hermione proceeded to find a section on ancient Egypt. She flipped through a few books until a section caught her eye. "Here it is! The Golden Toothpick of Thebes!" she announced, having found what they were looking for.   
  
"It may only be golden 'cause I was using it to clean my ears," said Harry.   
  
"WHAT!?" shouted Hermione anxiously. "You have it?"   
  
"No, some masked guy in black asked for it and I gave it to him..."   
  
"Harry, that probably wasn't the best thing to do," said Ron quietly.   
  
"But how did GIR get it?" said Hermione.   
  
They were interrupted as Snape strode in, wearing a bikini.   
  
"Oh, that is not right," said Harry, preparing to vomit.   
  
"This is your pilot Fruit Fly speaking," Snape said loudly to all who were in the library. "It's 192 degrees in our destination, a remote South Pacific island. Flight conditions will be good today, but in case one of the engines falls off, I will slap myself with metal. The weather today is supposed to be party morbid with a chance of creepy humor, and I am going to die now." Snape proceeded to collapse onto the library floor  
  
Hermione shrugged and returned to the book. "Apparently, the toothpick belonged to the Egyptian priest Imhotep. It's last known place of residence was in the possession of one Rick O'Connell in 1933," read Hermione.   
  
"1933? When was that book published?" asked Harry.   
  
Hermione flipped back to the first page. "Copyright 1934."   
  
"Oh...maybe you need a newer edition," replied Ron.   
  
"Yeah, maybe," said Hermione.   
  
"Because really, its last known place of residence was in.... GIR's possession!!!! And he left with Zim on the Cruiser and he still had it!!!" said Harry quite anxiously.   
  
"Hang on, hang on," said Hermione, trying to keep from panicking. "Why do we even need the Golden Toothpick of Thebes?"   
  
"I thought that's what we were trying to find out. Anyway, I have a feeling we'll still get some good history on it by reading that old book," said Ron.   
  
Hermione continued. "Imhotep used the toothpick in many sacred ancient Egyptian rituals ---"   
  
Once again, they were disrupted by the sound of two arguing voices, one electronic and hyper, and the other very frustrated.   
  
"GIR! What did you do to the Cruiser!??" shouted Zim, walking down a nearby hallway.   
  
"I filled the fuel tanks with clown lungs!" replied GIR happily.   
  
"Now's our chance to get that Toothpick," said Harry back in the library.   
  
Snape danced by in a bright red spandex catsuit singing "It's Raining Men!" by the Pointer Sisters.   
  
"Heh...I think we've found out more about Snape then we wanted to know..." said Harry, walking away. Hermione and Ron followed Harry, with Hermione reciting tidbits of trivia about the golden toothpick of Thebes. Harry walked out to the Hallway, following the sound of GIR.   
  
"I miss my cupcake," said GIR.   
  
"We have to find Voot Cruiser fuel GIR, not cupcakes," replied Zim.   
  
"GIR, there's something odd about this place."   
  
"Let's make biscuits." Harry rounded the corner.   
  
"There will be no biscuit making GIR! Give me the Golden Toothpick of Thebes NOW!"   
  
"Hmmm...no," replied GIR.   
  
"Why not?" asked Harry.   
  
"Because I don't have my little rubber piggy," replied GIR. With a flick of his wand, GIR was buried in little pink rubber piggys.   
  
"PIGGIES!" shouted GIR overexcitedly as he rolled around in the pile.  
  
"Now I must have the Toothpick," said Harry.   
  
GIR hurled the Golden Toothpick of Thebes at him and continued playing with his couple hundred pink rubber piggies. Zim, meanwhile, was surverying the whole scene off to the side. He looked at Harry, hypnotizing him once again with Pustulio.   
  
"Find me some fuel for the Cruiser," Zim commanded.   
  
"Yes....." said Harry tonelessly.   
  
Hermione slapped him, yet again. "Harry, give me the Golden Toothpick of Thebes," she hissed.   
  
"Right, right...." Harry handed off the toothpick.   
  
Before much else could happen, they heard a joyful scream heading in their direction. It was Professor Trelawny running toward them at Mach 10, screaming, "I am the magical peppermint! I have powers eggplants can only dream of!!!" She was flapping her arms wildly now. Zim, who was standing between Trelawny and the drop off to a staircase far below, moved aside quickly. Professor Trelawny cackled happily and landed with a sick crunch 50 feet onto the other staircase.   
  
"Ugh! That had to hurt!" said Ron.   
  
"Right...We now have the Golden Toothpick of Thebes...we have to find out who wants it and why," replied Hermione.   
  
"Perhaps Dumbledore would know," said Harry.   
  
"Is it possible for us to get through one of these stories without having to go see Dumbledore?" asked Ron.   
  
"No," replied the Author. 


	5. Bridget Jones's Diary!

"Fine, be that way," said Harry, and he, Hermione, and Ron marched off to Dumbledore's office. But just before they reached the stone gargolyes marking the entrance to Dumbledore's quarters, they heard a strange, loud, squishy noise. It was Professor Flitwick, who, along with the other staff members at Hogwarts, wasn't in his right mind today and was screaming, "I'M GONNA GO ROTATE THE TIRE ON MY UNICYCLE! WHO WANTS TO GO SQUEEZE THE GREEN AMOEBA?"   
  
"Harry, what's the password? Hurry," said Hermione, frightened, as she should be of Professor Flitwick, who was beginning to foam at the mouth a little.   
  
"Last time I checked it was naughty horticulture, but now I'm not sure," replied Harry.   
  
"No, he changed it," replied Ron.   
  
"Well...what is it?" asked Harry and Hermione in unison.   
  
"Bridget Jones's Diary!" exclaimed Ron as entrance to Dumbledore's office opened.   
  
"How did you know that?" asked Harry.   
  
"You don't want to know..." Harry, Hermione and Ron walked up the stairs to Dumbledore's office. They heard music from the office. Harry quickly identified it as Crash Test Dummies. They entered the office to the sight of Dumbledore singing, "I think I'll Disappear now..." while disappearing and re-appearing.   
  
"Professor Dumbledore?" asked Harry. Dumbledore suddenly reappeared, quite surprised to see Harry and Co. there. He quickly turned off the music and sat down at the desk.   
  
"Harry! What can I do you for?"   
  
"We must know about the Golden Toothpick of Thebes," said Hermione, Ron nodding beside her and Harry looking oddly confused. "We need to know who wants it, and why it's here," she added.   
  
Dumbledore looked at it, cocked his head to the side the way birds do, took the toothpick, and promptly ate it. He then commenced to explode.   
  
"WHY MUST THIS BE!!!??" shouted Harry.   
  
Ron walked over and picked the toothpick up out of the Dumbledore goo. Suddenly, the wardrobe in the corner burst open and out jumped Dumbledore.   
  
"Hey Harry! How's that for a cool trick?!" exclaimed Dumbledore.   
  
"It's...um...messy," replied Harry.   
  
"Excuse me, but has everyone around here gone completely insane?!" exclaimed Hermione.   
  
"Not completely," replied Dumbledore, who followed that statement with a little softshoe dance.  
  
"If I could interrupt, what's all the hoopla over the Golden Toothpick of Thebes?" asked Ron.   
  
"Beats me," replied Dumbledore. "But it seems to be a hot collectors item. Why don't you go to the library and look it up?"   
  
"We tried that," said Hermione.   
  
"Then look harder. I'm only one man. I can't have all the answers. Now scoot...I'm busy," replied Dumbledore.   
  
"Um...okay. Guys, let's go," replied Hermione. 


	6. Goddess of Love by OMD

On the way back to the library, Harry and Co. walked past the Potions classroom where Zim and GIR were trying to make Voot Cruiser fuel.   
  
Naturally, as Zim was experimenting with chemicals, they exploded (as eventually everything may in this demented little thingy) and his face was burning.   
  
"Aw......that was FUN!" screamed GIR overexcitedly. "Doitagain, doitagain, doitagain!!!!!" Zim just groaned.   
  
Upon entering the library, Ron suddenly screamed.   
  
"Ron, what's your problem?" said Harry, bewildered. Ron didn't answer; instead he uttered a sickly moan and collapsed onto the floor. Harry and Hermione instantly dropped to his side.   
  
"Can you find a pulse?" Hermione asked as Harry checked.   
  
"No --- Wait a minute.....no." An almighty squishing noise was heard and Ron's bones flew out of his mouth. He was now a lifeless exterior on the floor.   
  
Draco Malfoy happened to be passing when this occured, and began smirking --- that is, until he realized something and shouted, "I'M MISSING MY LEFT BUTT CHEEK!!!"   
  
"Hmm...Odd," replied Hermione.   
  
"Odd? That's all you have to say?! Ron just croaked and his internal organs ran away and that's it?"   
  
"Well, what do you want me to say? Oh my god! They killed Ron!??"   
  
"Well...no...but some emotion would be nice here, okay?" replied Harry.   
  
"Okay."   
  
Dib walked by, muttering about having to find a T.V because Mysterious Mysteries was almost on and he never misses it. Gaz followed closely behind.   
  
"You know that thing about bugging me...you're doing it again..." said Gaz, glaring at Dib.   
  
Back in the library, GIR noticed something about Zim when he wasn't in his disguise. Those large Irken eyes....they looked like candies.   
  
"Ooh..." said GIR, beginning to drool. Zim ignored him, that is, until he felt one of his eyes trying to be pried off. "Get away from me!" he shouted. "CANDY!!" squealed GIR.   
  
Meanwhile, in the hallway --- Draco Malfoy had left Hermione and Harry to ponder how Ron mysterioulsy was nothing but a lifeless exterior. Hermione bent and took the toothpick out of the Ron goo. GIR ran outside the library and took it from her.   
  
"Hey, what was that about!?" Harry shouted after GIR.   
  
"I'm gonna get me some CANDY ON A STICK!!" shouted GIR in reply. Then from Zim ---   
  
"AAAAAAAAAAARRGGHHHH! Leave my optical thingies where THEY SHOULD BE!!!!"   
  
"I don't even want to know anymore." replied Harry. Harry and Hermione walked down the hall to the Potions classroom and poked their heads in. Zim was about to mix another solution. Gir was sitting on the table, roasting a marshmallow over a bunsen burner. The marshmallow was stuck on none other than The Golden Toothpick of Thebes.   
  
Suddenly, the hall filled with music. "Goddess of Love" by O.M.D to be specific (The author makes no apologies for including Orchestral Manouvres in the Dark in this fic.) Harry and Hermione looked out to investigate and were shocked to see Ron's skeleton dancing to the song.   
  
"How'd that happen?" said Harry to himself. Suddenly he saw someone he'd seen in a movie once out of the corner of his eye..... Imhotep was reading from the Book of the Dead. "That explains it," 


	7. Blowing up that Pesky Fourth Wall...

Snape entered the room, probably to get something from his Potions cabinet, wearing a bridal gown. Ron's remains promptly strode over to Snape and did that thing (everyone who's seen The Mummy and/or The Mummy Returns will know what I mean) where Snape's flesh was sucked dry. GIR was watching happily. "I wanna try that...."   
  
Zim came out of the Potions classroom holding a beaker full of purple liquid.   
  
"I've done it GIR! I've created the Voot Cruiser fuel! Now we can go!" exclaimed Zim.   
  
Gir swallowed the marshmallow he'd been roasting. "Aww...but I want to stay and play..."   
  
"Now Gir!" exclaimed Zim. Suddenly, Imohtep walked over and picked up Zim.   
  
"Hooray!" exclaimed GIR.   
  
"No Gir, this is Bad," replied Zim.   
  
"Hooray!" exclaimed Gir. Imhotep proceeded to suck the life out of Zim, leaving a shirveled little green guy.   
  
But, fortunately for Zim, his backpack-thingy was still attached to him. "Reactiveate," it sounded, sending a shock through Zim's dead body and recovering the lost flesh and life.   
  
"GIR, let's get out of here while we still can," Zim said, very shaken from the incident.   
  
Right about then, Hermione doubled over in pain.   
  
"What now?" said Harry very emotionlessly.   
  
"My.....organs....." Hermione gasped. The sound of fireworks rang out, and Hermione lay dead on the floor.   
  
"I found my buttcheek, in case anyone wants to know," said Malfoy, ducking into the Potions room briefly. "It was under my pillow."   
  
"Good for you," Harry said. "Hermione's DEAD!"   
  
GIR ran screaming after Zim. At this point, Dib came running to see what the commotion was about, and saw the almost-regenerated Ron, and the nearly fully-regenerated Imhotep.   
  
"Whoa..." Dib said as he whipped out his camera. The real Dumbledore came by and saw the Golden Toothpick of Thebes in Hermione's goo. He ate it, and exploded, as did his trick thingy.   
  
"Why is everyone exploding?" asked Harry.   
  
"Because," replied Ron.   
  
"Because why?" asked Harry.   
  
"Because it's what the demented Author wants. No, not the sane author. The other one. Yes, the shorter one with long light-brown hair," replied Ron.   
  
"Um...okay..." replied Harry.   
  
"I kinda got a crush on her..." said Ron.   
  
"Yeah, I guess she is pretty cute," said Harry. "Oh look, her nose itches...look at that...isn't that adorable?"   
  
"I AM NOT ADORABLE!" screamed the demented author. Ron and Harry quickly recoiled, in shock. The demented author was scary when she was ticked. 


	8. Mysterious Mysteries is on in 58 Seconds...

As a result Ron's skeleton prompty......burst into flame, as the sound of maniacal laughter rang out. Actually, the demented author was scary all the time.   
  
Dib screamed when the mummy advanced on him.   
  
"Oh, stop, you're ripping my heart out," said Gaz sarcastically from the doorway. "Come on, let's go, Dib!" Dib turned and followed Gaz out of the room, his trenchcoat flying out behind him.   
  
Harry, deciding that Dib and Gaz had the right idea, quickly followed. They ran into the Dinner Hall. It was now empty, but still illuminated by all the candles floating overhead. Everyone stopped for a breather.   
  
"Hi, I'm Dib, and you are..."   
  
"Hi, I'm Harry Potter.   
  
"And this is my sister Gaz," said Dib, introducing his sister.   
  
"Well, Dib, do you have any ideas?" asked Harry.   
  
"Nope."   
  
"Don't look at me!" replied the less demented, although handsomely dashing author. "I'm making this up as I go along."   
  
"I'm leaving," said Gaz. "I'm not gonna let this freak show deprive me of my high score list!!!!"   
  
"Yes....Mysterious Mysteries is on in approximately 58 seconds," said Dib, who ran after Gaz.   
  
Harry ran back to the room where everything wrong was occuring. He took the toothpick of Thebes from the Dumbledore goo....and didn't know what to do with it. (Imhotep and the Book of the Dead were gone by now.) He took a few moments to think about those that had died.... Professors Trelawny, Snape, and Dumbledore, and his friends Hermione and Ron. None of the Invader Zim characters were harmed, though..... perhaps the more demented writer favored them.... Harry saw nothing more left to do.... He was going to eat the toothpick.   
  
Harry swallowed the toothpick, closed his eyes and waited to explode.   
  
Suddenly, Harry shot up in bed, screaming. It was all a dream. A really weird, crazy and demented dream. He got out of bed and walked out of the bunk room into the common room. He quickly noticed that everyone else was in the common room, except no one had their real eyes, but were replaced by revolving red dice.   
  
Harry once again jolted up in bed screaming. He looked around and noticed that everyone else was sound asleep. He looked over to Ron's bunk and noticed that his bed was empty. Harry looked around in a panic, but quickly noticed Ron twirling around the room in his pink tutu.   
  
Harry suddenly jerked awake. He rubbed his eyes, which confirmed he was finally, really and actually awake. 


	9. Hard Rockin' Robot!

He was still in the room of doom; the toothpick had made him fall into a trance it seemed. He rubbed his eyes again and the scene before him didn't fade - but something had changed. Hermione was alive! Somehow eating the toothpick hadn't made Harry explode; it saved one of those who died moments ago.   
  
"Harry! What happened!" said Hermione, walking over. "The last thing I remember was that my organs sounded like firecrackers and everything went black."   
  
"The last thing I remember was that I was waking up and all of this was a dream," said Harry in a dazed manner.  
  
"Well, it isn't. What did you do?" "I ate the toothpick," said Harry. "And it brought me back to life?" "Seems so...."   
  
"Then this means that somehow we can save everyone else, or I must shave my head bald and get my eyelids ripped off," replied Hermione.   
  
Suddenly, there was a loud sound of a quitar riff. Harry and Hermione ran to the Dinner hall, where they saw GIR playing an electric guitar and singing a heavy metal version of the Doom Song. "Doom Doom DOOM DE DOOOM!!! Dooom Doom! DOOM!" sang GIR, while headbanging.   
  
"Now I've seen it all..." said Harry.   
  
"Yep...a hard rockin' robot is not something you see everyday. Not even here," added Hermione.   
  
"Now, on to saving the previously deceased people," said Harry.   
  
"I remember reading," said Hermione, pausing, "that the Golden Toothpick of Thebes is often responsible for strange, spontaneous explosions."   
  
"Well, actually, that is the fine work of the Demented Writer," said Harry.   
  
"Anyway," said Hermione. "I think I also read something about the Golden Toothpick of Thebes being able to help this..."   
  
"Well Hermione, I need specifics..." replied Harry.   
  
"We need to find the book of the dead," said Hermione.   
  
Later...at the Library.   
  
"Checked out?!!" exclaimed Hermione to the head Librarian. "Of all the luck..."   
  
"Can you tell us who checked it out?" asked Harry.   
  
"I am afraid I cannot give out that information." replied the Head Librarian.   
  
"TELL US!!!" screamed Hermione.   
  
"Um...a Mr. Neville Longbottom," replied the Head Librarian.   
  
"Oh god..." replied Hermione.   
  
"Neville......" sighed Harry. 


	10. Snape and the Spice Girl

"Didn't I tell you to LEAVE MY EYE THINGIES ALONE!!!" screamed Zim suddenly.   
  
His voice came from the Great Hall, where GIR had quit jamming to the Doom Song and was once again, drooling and trying to eat Zim's eyes.   
  
"Should we help him?" said Hermione.   
  
"The green guy? Zim can fend for himself..." said Harry. "As for you, if we don't restore the deceased, we might have to shave your head bald, and rip off your eyelids." "Oh, right...."   
  
Harry and Hermione ran past Zim and GIR and to Gryffindor Hall. They ran into the bunk room and threw open Neville's trunk. Harry and Hermione dug around until they found it. The book of the dead. Harry opened it. There was a sudden gush of wind. Harry looked up.   
  
"That happens a lot around here, doesn't it?" asked Harry.   
  
Hermione didn't answer. Instead, she flopped the book open on her lap and began to read. At this point, Neville burst into the common room.   
  
He looked at Hermione reading, and yelped, "You must not read from the book!"   
  
Hermione stopped and looked up. Another crisp breeze floated about the area. Harry looked skyward and announced, "Here comes the first plague."   
  
He was correct; Snape burst into the room wearing the bridal gown. "IF YOU WANNA BE MY LOVER, YOU GOTTA GET WITH MY FRIENDS...." he was singing quite loudly.   
  
"RUN!!!" screamed Hermione.   
  
Harry and Hermione ran out of the Gryffindor house and promptly bumped into Hagrid.   
  
"Hagrid! You have to help us! Everyone's exploding and we don't know what to do!" exclaimed both Harry and Hermione in unison.   
  
"Relax. The solution to all your problems is in the forbidden books section of the library. I probably shouldn't have told you that..." replied Hagrid.   
  
"Back to the Library..." said Harry.   
  
"Thanks Hagrid."   
  
"No problem," replied Hagrid.   
  
As Harry and Hermione raced as fast as they could back to the library (AGAIN), they heard Hagrid shout from behind them, "Chunks ahoy, Mr. Pansies!"   
  
They spun around to look at Hagrid, who promptly exploded. Hermione couldn't take it anymore.   
  
She fell to the floor screaming in hysterics. "WHY MUST THE DEMENTED WRITER DO THIS TO US!!!???"   
  
Harry couldn't think of an answer, so he tried to console Hermione with the first thing he could think of, which was actually somewhat disturbing. "I love sea otters! They're so mutant and delicious that I'm going to lick the whirling blades!"   
  
Hermione stared. "What?"   
  
Harry blushed. "Forget it." 


	11. With a Bowl of Marmalade...

Harry and Hermione ran into the library and headed straight for the Forbidden books rack. The paused (barely) to open the cage door that was around this particular shelf. They quickly looked through the books. It was Hermione who found the book. It was entitled: "The Golden Toothpick of Thebes: A History of Spooky Doom!"   
  
"Found it!" announced Hermione.   
  
"What does it say?" asked Harry.   
  
"We need to place the Golden Toothpick into a bowl of Marmalade and say this little spell," replied Hermione.   
  
"Sounds simple enough..."   
  
Harry and Hermione sat on a table in the Doom Room, otherwise known as the Potions classroom. Harry poured the marmalade into the bowl and then reached into his pocket and pulled out the toothpick. "I thought G.I.R had this. Oh well..."   
  
Harry placed the toothpick in the center of the bowl of marmalade. Hermione said the spell, most of which was in latin and I couldn't understand anyway...   
  
Suddenly, a blinding white light shot out of the bowl, blowing Harry and Hermione across the room. Then, as soon as it appeared, the light dissapated.   
  
Harry and Hermione stood up and walked over to the bowl. They peered in and were shocked to discover that the Golden Toothpick was completely gone.   
  
Ron poked his head into the room. "What the heck happened! The last thing I remember is blowing up!" 


	12. Sorting Out Hermione's Priorities

Harry, Ron and Hermione walked up the stairs to their respective bunk rooms.   
  
"Hey you two, thanks for bringing me back from the dead! You're real pals!" exclaimed Ron, grinning from ear to ear.   
  
"Now, I'm going to bed before you two come up with another clever plan to get us killed or worse, EXPELLED!" exclaimed Hermione. She ran into her bunkroom.   
  
"She really needs to sort out her priorities." replied Ron.   
  
Harry and Ron walked up further to their bunkrooms, bringing to a close another very, extremely, absolutely, without a doubt, bloody strange day at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry.   
  
-The End. 


End file.
